


Pillowcases

by talkfastauburn



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Rape/Non-con Elements, ashton hates sex idk, sex-repulsed ashton, sorry if this is shit its 2 am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:07:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23835865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talkfastauburn/pseuds/talkfastauburn
Summary: “You should be able to have sex, Michael.”“Why would I want sex when all I really need is you?”or,In which Ashton is asexual and Michael has to constantly reassure him that he doesn’t need sex to feel loved.
Relationships: Michael Clifford/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 54





	Pillowcases

Ashton feels bad yet again.

He heard Michael’s moans from the shower, and the soft gasps that escaped the man’s lips and yet again, he hates himself for not being able to take care of those things for his boyfriend.

He hates that Michael doesn’t moan Ashton’s name in the shower, because Ashton doesn’t want that from him. He hates that he’s holding Michael back.

Ashton _loathes_ himself at the moment. 

Calum and Luke constantly talk about their own sex life, specifically on tour. How Calum and Luke made out at the top of the Eiffel Tower, how Calum blew Luke in a bathroom at a club in Miami, Florida, how Luke discovered Calum liked to be spanked.

Ashton felt bad that he couldn’t find out those things about Michael.

He hated it even more when he heard Calum and Luke doing _things_ on the tour bus while he and Michael laid in their respective bunks, Ashton covering his ears and Michael trying not to be turned on by Luke’s quiet mewls and moans.

Ashton hates how his body reacts to being touched.

He hates how repulsed he feels anytime he sees a comment on the internet of a fan talking about wanting to fuck him or when Calum or Luke make a joke about him limping like Michael had fucked him hard the night before when in reality his leg was just asleep.

He hates that he’s so ashamed that he can’t even tell his best friends. He’s ashamed that Michael can’t get the release he so desperately wants but won’t ask for because he knows Ashton doesn’t like it.

He hates how okay with this Michael is.

His biggest fear is that one day Michael will agree with Ashton when he says he’s a burden. He’s scared that Michael will one day decide that he can’t deal with having only his right hand to get him off and not another person and he’ll leave. He’s scared to death that Michael’ll break up with him, making the band awkward and cause Ashton to leave.

He was the last to join, and they could always find a new drummer.

-

A few weeks later, Ashton feels so guilty when he finds a black dildo in Michael’s suitcase. He feels bad when he sees the half empty bottle of lube, strawberry scented and flavored, and the little blue bullet vibrator stuffed underneath his underwear.

He feels bad for even seeing those things. He feels bad for making Michael think he couldn’t say anything about having those items because he _knew_ it would make his boyfriend feel bad.

“You should be allowed to have sex Michael,” Ashton always said, with tears in his eyes, an ache in his chest, and fear coursing through his veins. He’s always terrified that this will be the time Michael agrees and leaves him all alone.

But, like every time before, Michael just moved closer to Ashton, grabbed his hands and kissed each individual knuckle.

“Why would I want sex when all I really need is you?”

Ashton always cried when Michael would say something like that.

And then Michael would lean in and kiss the tears off of his cheeks before placing a quick peck to the older boy’s lips.

“It’s not fair to you, Mikey. I hear you, in the shower, and I see the things in your suitcase. And I hate myself for being so fucked up that I can’t even have sex with my boyfriend. I’m so sorry.”

And then Michael would tell him how it’s not his fault, it’s not Ashton’s fault that he doesn’t like sex. Michael loves him anyway.

-

The no sex thing hasn’t always been there. 

Ashton remembers a time when he and Michael did have sex. He remembers it clearly.

Back then, he was so into it and there was nothing he loves more than feeling his boy inside of him. Back when he was only 19, Michael was 17, and they were new to this couple thing.

But looking back, even though he enjoyed it then, he absolutely despises those memories. Well, not all of it.

He loves remembering the pure love he saw in Michael’s eyes but he can’t stand remembering the feeling of Michael’s tongue in his mouth or his hands leaving marks on his hips or the noises of skin on skin.

He hates it.

He remembers the last night he and Michael ever had sex. It was only a day before everything went south.

They had arrived in New York two days before their show was scheduled, and they were exhausted but Ashton began kissing Michael’s neck.

Ashton remembers stripping himself and Michael of their clothes. He remembers the way their bodies moved together. He remembers the feeling of Michael moaning against his lips. He remembers how Michael’s fingers felt stretching him open. He remembers the oh so good burn that he felt when those fingers were replaced with something much better. He remembers seeing the love in Michael’s eyes and feeling the soft touch of Michael’s calloused hands against his back. He remembers the way Michael scrunched his nose when he reached his high and he remembers the beautiful way Michael’s eyes fell shut when they were finished and cuddled up close.

But he also remembers the next night when they went to that club. He remembers Michael leaving for five minutes to use the restroom while Ashton was on the dance floor. He remembers the body pressed up behind him. He remembers smelling the same Old Spice deodorant that Michael used at the time and thinking it was his boy behind him. He remembers how he pressed himself back against this man and how he didn’t notice how incredibly wrong the night was about to become.

He remembers a drink being pressed to his lips and he remembers being pushed towards a backroom. He remembers the fear he felt when he realized this man definitely wasn’t his boy. He remembers being twenty one years old and feeling like a child who lost his mother in a grocery store. He remembers how the mans lips didn’t move as gently against his as Michael’s did and how his tongue tasted sour like vodka and not sweet like Michael’s apple cocktails. He remembers how the hands on his hips and running up and down his bare back were rough and not in a reassuring way. He remembers how the man ripped his clothes off of him and gave no warning and no preparation to Ashton before slamming inside of him.

Ashton remembers the exact moment he began to hate sex.

The thing Ashton remembers most about that night is when the man was long gone and he finally gained the courage to get off of the floor and leave the room, barely able to walk through the intense pain and hardly able to see due to the tears in his eyes.

He remembers finding Michael searching desperately around the club for him and finally spotting him absolutely _wrecked_ in the doorway of the hall leading to the back rooms.

He remembers Michael running to him and falling into Michael’s arms as the boy held him up, whispering reassuring words into his hair. He remembers Michael pulling him to the door and leaving the loud club, as the reality of what just happened set in and the pain became ten times worse, in both his ass and his mind.

He remembers how he began screaming and how terrified and confused his boyfriend looked as he did his best to calm him down. 

He remembers waking up in their shared hotel room the next morning. He remembers the sharp ache that shot through his entire body the second he jumped away from the body wrapped around him.

He remembers seeing Michael’s face when he woke up and saw Ashton on the floor, crying and pushing himself into the corner, as far away from Michael as possible.

He felt utterly disgusting. 

He remembers how long he sat there crying before he broke down and told Michael everything.

He remembers the tears on Michael’s face. He still remembers the shape of the hole Michael punched into the hotel wall. He remembers Michael trying to hug him only to back away when Ashton flinched violently and hit his head against the wall he was leaning on.

He remembers having to play the show that night, with absolutely no one except Michael knowing what happened to him twenty four hours prior.

He remembers how badly he played that night, off beat and missing notes entirely and how with every hit of his sticks or press of the kick drum pedal he felt that pain rush through him like the first time.

He remembers Calum’s jokes about how “Michael should calm his dick a bit,” when they’re together and how Ashton tried to just laugh it off, too ashamed to admit to the 19 year old that it wasn’t Michael who hurt him. He was too ashamed to admit that he, Ashton Irwin, had been raped at age 21.

He remembers Michael begging him to go to the cops but he knew all along that that would mean the entire world finding out and if he couldn’t even tell Calum, how could he risk letting all of their other friends, their fans, and their families learn that Ashton had been destroyed like that.

-

Ashton vividly remembers telling Michael that he didn’t think he’d ever be able to look at sex the same way. 

He constantly thinks of about a year after the incident when he and Michael had gotten through the making out part and had moved to their bed as Michael tried to touch him and he flinched so hard he hit Michael’s nose with his forehead. He fell backwards off of the bed and pushed himself into the corner, tears falling down his face.

He’ll never forget watching Michael with tears in his eyes and blood dripping from his nose trying his hardest not to startle the older boy.

All Ashton could think was that he had ruined it all.

But Michael held him tight, after he stopped bleeding, and told him the words that Ashton has never stopped hearing.

“It’s okay, Ash. I don’t mind if we can never, ever have sex again for as long as we live if I can keep you from ever being this scared again. I hate seeing you like this and I don’t care if I’m never even able to kiss you again just to keep a smile on your face.”

-

Four years later and Ashton’s twenty six.

He can’t help but to think about what their relationship would look like if that night in New York never happened. He wonders where they would be if Ashton could satisfy Michael’s needs or be able to go out to clubs with Cal and Luke, but he just can’t.

Instead, he’s at home in Sydney, walking the streets with his boyfriend and thinking about how much he loves him.

Michael has helped him with so much and he doesn’t know what he’d do without him.

He’s also thinking about what would happen if he told Calum and Luke. The jokes are getting harder and harder to deal with each day and he knows how bad Calum would feel once he learned how much his jokes suck for Ashton. But Ashton doesn’t know how much longer he can go without breaking down.

“I wanna tell Calum and Lukey.”

Michael turned to face him, swinging their intertwined hands between them. “When?”

“Tonight. I can’t keep it in anymore.”

Michael just nodded.

“Do you want me there with you?”

It was Ash’s turn to nod.

“Okay.”

-

Calum apologized for the jokes for three weeks. Luke cried for hours when Ashton first told him.

But they didn’t treat Ashton any different, other than the lack of sex jokes.

Ashton was so grateful for that.

-

Ashton’s twenty-seven and he and Michael just moved into their new house. 

Michael told him to go grab their pillows from the back of Michael’s truck, so he did. He brought them to their bedroom and Michael smiled so bright.

“Can you take the blue pillowcases off? We didn’t get a chance to wash those before we moved.”

Ashton did was he was told, a bit confused as to why Michael was smiling. But as he removed the pillow case from the third blue pillow, he heard something hit the floor. 

He looked down, seeing a small red box. 

There’s absolutely no way this is what he thinks it is. 

“Michael, you’re joking.”

Michael shook his head.

“Baby...” Ashton cried as he bent down to pick it up. He opened it, and sure enough, there was a silver band with a gorgeous black diamond on the top. It was obviously a woman’s ring but Ashton loved it way more than any stereotypical man’s ring he’d ever seen.

He said yes, of course.

Ashton remembers laying in their bed that night, freshly washed blue pillowcases pressed against their heads.

As Michael began to speak, Ashton heard the words he had been hearing for the past five years. 

“Before you say anything,” he’s started, “just know that I don’t ever need sex from you. With this ring, I’m proving to you that I love you for way more than your body. I love you for you, and no amount of sex will change that.”

Ashton initiated their kiss for the first time in six years as Michael finished speaking.

Michael stopped kissing him after a few moments, the point when Ashton gets too scared to pull away, and Ashton had never felt more safe or relaxed as he did in that moment, pressed against Michael with the feeling of his ring wrapped around his finger.


End file.
